Dad I’m going.

„Dad, may I go and see the Christmas lights? Please Daddy!“ -„Of course honey, I just need to get dressed, then we’re leaving!“

We went to town, we went to see the beautiful fairy lights, the hundreds of candles in the big Christmas tree in the middle of the market place. When it got dark, the entire surrounding was dipped in a sea of lights, shimmer and sparkle was wherever I looked.

We got home this evening and Daddy made me a hot chocolate which we sipped sitting infront of our chimnes, watching the Flames blaze. I felt loved, I felt well protected and like nothing was ever going to be able to destroy our little place of peace.

Now I’m thirteen years older.

I grew up and grew apart from you, no matter how hard you tried to keep me close.

We argued, we fought, we made up with each other just to break our bond another time. Our bond which I thought to be unbreakable.

Today it’s Christmas evening, it’s half past 10 am. I didn’t talk to you since last weeks friday. We had had a fight.

I get dressed. I step downstairs, quietly, so you wouldn’t notice me leaving. From the staircase I could see you lay on the Couch in the living room. It Looks like you stayed up all night to catch me getting home late last night, to know I got home safely. But, I think, you went out of energy by the time the morning rose again and fell asleep on the little uncomfortable Sofa. I feel sorry that I went in through the kitchen door last night, because I didn’t want to talk to you or see you. I feel sorry, so I whisper : „Dad, I’m going.“ He wakes up with a start and stares at me with glazed over eyes. And instead of starting a fight over again, instead of saying something like „You’re leaving again? It’s Christmas, why don’t you stay?“, he nods slightly. His lower lip trembles. I down my eyes and leave.

I spent this year’s Christmas morning with some guy in his apartment. I barely knew his last name. The entire evening when we had fish and chips together, the whole night full of sex and euphuistic promises and throughout all the morning when we ate cold Pizza, I felt terrible. There was this heaviness on my soul, the feeling that I was so goddamn wrong here. As soon as he went to have a shower, I left.

For hours I didn’t go home. I didn’t have a Christmas present for my father and didn’t want to show up without. When it was no longer evitable I walked home.

I pass the front door. I breathe out slowly. I see the Sofa. I see the Christmas tree, surrounded by a few packages and gifts. I walk around the couch and… I see you but it’s not really you because you left already,but your body is still there and all of this I realize in a split second, I don’t have air in my lungs to scream.

One single thought came to my mind through the numbness. You did exactly what I did around a thousand times in the past years : You left without saying goodbye.

You just left.


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